Silence.

I am almost completely numb to the core.

Which you might think would hurt less.

True numbness would be complete and purposeful ignorance of the truth.

Unfortunately this is not an option for me. I was never made for that.

I feel selfish and impudent for ever having tried to escape.

I am forever tied, hand and foot, in fact, by blood.

What a travesty is it for me to love the place that breaks my spirit.

Sweat and tears have gotten me only more sweat and tears this summer.

Heartbreak seems to be the only available destination.

There's no way to avoid what my heart is screaming out.

Please, take me away! Save me!

But there's only silence. That's my only enduring comfort in this world. Silence.

"I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger." ~Unknown

My eyes hurt. Goodnight.

I'm Finally Here.

I'm finally here.

I used to hide the pain.

Now there is no pain.

I used to love for a desperate cause.

Now my love is pure.

One year ago Jared Weikum asked me to be his.

I didn't know much then about where I'd be now.

But here I am.

This smile is real ya'll.

He's that boy I never expected, but always prayed for.

He's more than a breath of fresh air on the coldest of nights...

He's my light in the morning and my warmth in the summer.

I think of finding a place by the lake to watch the sunrise last fall...

I think of walking in his big snowy footprints this winter...

then going for a walk to spend a few minutes together this next spring...

then I'll be going for a drive to visit Kansas City as often as I can...

then being there for whatever comes next.

I love you always babe.

1.22.10

It happens.

Does this ever happen to you? Where you can’t fall asleep because today was that amazing. Where God has blessed you that much? Try this on for size. Where it wasn’t the lack of shittiness that saved your peace of mind, but the undeniable gifts from God. Where you know His love is real. No matter if you haven’t talked to Him for ages. When it hits you that He really never leaves you alone? Just one of those days that happen by accident. Where you could have attributed it to the sunny weather. Where you could have attributed it to the message you heard during that worship thought at your lovely Adventist school. But no. That same shit happened again. The shit that blows my day at least 4 times per week. The stuff that turns my stomach inside out. The stuff that fills my mind with garbage. That stuff that distracts me from my ultimate purpose. The stuff that makes me doubt that I am really loved at all. The emotions that turn my heart into a playing field, where I still have no skillz at catching, batting, throwing, dribbling, tackling, or volleying. The stuff that turns my perspective to meatloaf. The devil threw it ALL at me again today. But guess what? He lost…just like he will at the finale. It’s sort of like a little preview. I did nothing to deserve it. I complain when I don’t get what I deserve or when I work too hard for the pennies they pay me. But when the pendulum swings the other way and I get the princess tiara for free you won’t see me dragging. Such a pity to be so human. Yet such an honor. We are made in God’s image you know?

I hope you have that kind of day where shit happens, but somehow, someway God kept your head above water. Today I laughed, I loved, I achieved, I believed, I pushed myself to the limit. But there is no joy in that without Christ. There’s no joy. No jared. No addi. No alyssa. No aron. No matt gamble. No mom. No dad. No best friend. No stranger at the coffee shop. No lab partner. No teacher. No run in the park.

Dear Lord, help me to live each day to Your glory. Help me to jump even higher after a fall. Help me to laugh even harder after I cry. Help me to love even deeper after I’ve been broken. Help me to run even farther after I’ve given up.

Psalms 46:10

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.

Be.

fb note: by Joy Crews on Monday, November 8, 2010 at 11:38pm

It's kind of like screaming while you fly down the sledding hill.
It's kind of like waking up with a new life.
It's kind of like winning when you don't deserve a second chance.
It's kind of like the comfort of Christmas lights still up in January.

It's kind of like a breath of fresh air on the coldest of nights.

Why She Cried II

Why she cried on the drive home she couldn't quite say.
Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was alone...maybe not literally. She was loved, to an extend she could not comprehend.

But love was a feeling she despised so pointedly this evening. It was a lost cause, she had decided.

These tears felt familiar. Like a comfort in her moment of desperate longing.

Or at least it brought back feelings of a Christmas, not yet a year past, but ages ago in the steps of her heart.

When she tried to be so strong. Few had ever heard her shed such crushing tears as she did that Christmas Eve...or cry till she shook.

Maybe it was because she knew she'd lost home. And she almost wished there was somewhere for her soul to rest.
Maybe it was because she still hasn't been able to find God, or maybe it was that she was running. Running from him.
Maybe she knew she let go something she never wanted to lose. Things always reached this point of absurdity.
Maybe she couldn't understand how he could love her. Nothing has ever felt so terrifying, so something must be real.
Maybe because her life was never an open book, and she insisted on keeping silent.
Or maybe, she's just tired of falling.

What she did know was that it hurt like hell to leave his arms where she felt safe, warm, and protected. To whom does she belong?

Tonight I feel all dolled -up & lonely.
I'm craving my comfy spot next to you,
snuggled under a blanket
with the quiet din of the movie channel in the background.
I could do without this headache & this heartache.

The Sweetest Kind of Like.

9-30-09 He asked me to be his girl. <3