Silence.

I am almost completely numb to the core.

Which you might think would hurt less.

True numbness would be complete and purposeful ignorance of the truth.

Unfortunately this is not an option for me. I was never made for that.

I feel selfish and impudent for ever having tried to escape.

I am forever tied, hand and foot, in fact, by blood.

What a travesty is it for me to love the place that breaks my spirit.

Sweat and tears have gotten me only more sweat and tears this summer.

Heartbreak seems to be the only available destination.

There's no way to avoid what my heart is screaming out.

Please, take me away! Save me!

But there's only silence. That's my only enduring comfort in this world. Silence.

"I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger." ~Unknown

My eyes hurt. Goodnight.

I'm Finally Here.

I'm finally here.

I used to hide the pain.

Now there is no pain.

I used to love for a desperate cause.

Now my love is pure.

One year ago Jared Weikum asked me to be his.

I didn't know much then about where I'd be now.

But here I am.

This smile is real ya'll.

He's that boy I never expected, but always prayed for.

He's more than a breath of fresh air on the coldest of nights...

He's my light in the morning and my warmth in the summer.

I think of finding a place by the lake to watch the sunrise last fall...

I think of walking in his big snowy footprints this winter...

then going for a walk to spend a few minutes together this next spring...

then I'll be going for a drive to visit Kansas City as often as I can...

then being there for whatever comes next.

I love you always babe.

1.22.10

It happens.

Does this ever happen to you? Where you can’t fall asleep because today was that amazing. Where God has blessed you that much? Try this on for size. Where it wasn’t the lack of shittiness that saved your peace of mind, but the undeniable gifts from God. Where you know His love is real. No matter if you haven’t talked to Him for ages. When it hits you that He really never leaves you alone? Just one of those days that happen by accident. Where you could have attributed it to the sunny weather. Where you could have attributed it to the message you heard during that worship thought at your lovely Adventist school. But no. That same shit happened again. The shit that blows my day at least 4 times per week. The stuff that turns my stomach inside out. The stuff that fills my mind with garbage. That stuff that distracts me from my ultimate purpose. The stuff that makes me doubt that I am really loved at all. The emotions that turn my heart into a playing field, where I still have no skillz at catching, batting, throwing, dribbling, tackling, or volleying. The stuff that turns my perspective to meatloaf. The devil threw it ALL at me again today. But guess what? He lost…just like he will at the finale. It’s sort of like a little preview. I did nothing to deserve it. I complain when I don’t get what I deserve or when I work too hard for the pennies they pay me. But when the pendulum swings the other way and I get the princess tiara for free you won’t see me dragging. Such a pity to be so human. Yet such an honor. We are made in God’s image you know?

I hope you have that kind of day where shit happens, but somehow, someway God kept your head above water. Today I laughed, I loved, I achieved, I believed, I pushed myself to the limit. But there is no joy in that without Christ. There’s no joy. No jared. No addi. No alyssa. No aron. No matt gamble. No mom. No dad. No best friend. No stranger at the coffee shop. No lab partner. No teacher. No run in the park.

Dear Lord, help me to live each day to Your glory. Help me to jump even higher after a fall. Help me to laugh even harder after I cry. Help me to love even deeper after I’ve been broken. Help me to run even farther after I’ve given up.

Psalms 46:10

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.

Be.

fb note: by Joy Crews on Monday, November 8, 2010 at 11:38pm

It's kind of like screaming while you fly down the sledding hill.
It's kind of like waking up with a new life.
It's kind of like winning when you don't deserve a second chance.
It's kind of like the comfort of Christmas lights still up in January.

It's kind of like a breath of fresh air on the coldest of nights.

Why She Cried II

Why she cried on the drive home she couldn't quite say.
Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was alone...maybe not literally. She was loved, to an extend she could not comprehend.

But love was a feeling she despised so pointedly this evening. It was a lost cause, she had decided.

These tears felt familiar. Like a comfort in her moment of desperate longing.

Or at least it brought back feelings of a Christmas, not yet a year past, but ages ago in the steps of her heart.

When she tried to be so strong. Few had ever heard her shed such crushing tears as she did that Christmas Eve...or cry till she shook.

Maybe it was because she knew she'd lost home. And she almost wished there was somewhere for her soul to rest.
Maybe it was because she still hasn't been able to find God, or maybe it was that she was running. Running from him.
Maybe she knew she let go something she never wanted to lose. Things always reached this point of absurdity.
Maybe she couldn't understand how he could love her. Nothing has ever felt so terrifying, so something must be real.
Maybe because her life was never an open book, and she insisted on keeping silent.
Or maybe, she's just tired of falling.

What she did know was that it hurt like hell to leave his arms where she felt safe, warm, and protected. To whom does she belong?

Tonight I feel all dolled -up & lonely.
I'm craving my comfy spot next to you,
snuggled under a blanket
with the quiet din of the movie channel in the background.
I could do without this headache & this heartache.

The Sweetest Kind of Like.

9-30-09 He asked me to be his girl. <3

That's cool. I guess.

You'd said we'd be okay.
Fuck that.
That was fucked up,
and it hasn't left us okay.

You haven't messed with my heart,
you've fucked up my soul.

Is Our Story Over?

She was not perfect enough to be irresistible,

not flawed enough to be considered.

Jane Austen Quotes

Business, you know, may bring you money, but friendship hardly ever does.

Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.

I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle.

Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure.

My sore throats are always worse than anyone's.

Nobody minds having what is too good for them.

One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it,
unless it has been all suffering, nothing but suffering.

The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced
that I shall never see a man whom I can really love.

There is something so amiable in the prejudices of a young mind,
that one is sorry to see them give way to the reception of more general opinions.

They are much to be pitied who have not been given a taste for nature early in life.

We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it,
than any other person can be.

What is right to be done cannot be done too soon.

You've been tagged.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

________________________________________________________________________________

1. In one way or another, I am in love with everyone I have ever met.

2. My abs are insanely strong, underneath my girl fat. But I want defined abs, probably more than most guys I know.

3. There's nothing I love more than being CHOSEN.

4. I have filled 11 journals since I first started writing when I was 12. I am proud to have a record of who I have been since age twelve to look back on forever. I write about EVERYTHING, everyday if I can. I write about conversations. I analyze people & situations. I write about the things no one cares to ask me about. My journals are the first things I would grab if my house was on fire. Someday I might publish them.

5. My childhood was filled with a lot of pain (& a good bit of joy). But I used my imagination to pretend I was in a different world and was lucky enough to have amazing friends that impacted me so positively that they are the reason I still smile today.

6. My mom is my hero. She is the strongest person I know. She has the kindest heart.

7. I blog. Everyone should blog.

8. A tan body=A hott body. My body does not tan, because my heredity does not allow pigment to be produced in my skin. Therefore, no matter how fit my body is, I will NEVER look hotter than the tan girl sitting next to me at the beach.

9. If I could look like any celebrity it would be Blake Lively. She is beyond gorgeous.

10. I love it when people call me by name. There's also something special about hearing someone say your name for the first time. I like being called Joy.

11. Holidays are my FAVORITE! I always make a big deal of all of them. I always get all worked up with excitement. I buy gifts, make cookies, dress up, etc. I tend to feel disappointed when no one else is as excited as me.

12. I believe patience is the key.

13. I am not the kind of girl who worries about eating in front of other people. I've been known to go to a restaurant with my friends and be the only one eating. That's right, go ahead and watch me eat.

14. I give. Until it hurts. (I try to do for others what I can only wish they will one day think to do for me.)

15. Floor hockey is my sport. I am sad that no one plays it. I might choose the first college i find out has a hockey intramural program...lol! (I have played on rollerblades but it's so difficult)

16. I am the height of the average American male. At 5'8" I feel like a giant.

17. I have never had a valentines date.

18. I am a very nostalgic person.

19. I think about the future in term of relationships, not in terms of what I will accomplish in the world's eyes. I ponder the idea of marriage too often.

20. If the occasion presented itself, I would be the designated driver.

21. I have only one dimple. When I was a toddler I fell on the corner of a low table & long story short now I have a cute, unique dimple!

22. I have an obsession with Love, and with Tragedy.

23. I was not supposed to be born Caucasian. I would have loved to have a unique ethnic heritage to be proud of! I think mixed people are BEAUTIFUL. I wish I was mixed.

24. The days I do not connect/communicate with people are my low days. But at the same time, I am a rather independent person & often get more things done when I'm alone.

25. Sometimes I think I know more about people than they know about themselves. This gets me into trouble.

My Beloved Monster

My beloved monster and me
We go everywhere together
Wearing a raincoat that has four sleeves
Gets us through all kinds of weather

Randomly Unrelated Thoughts

"Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals
Because nobody wants to read the small print in dreams."

____________________________________________________

I promise, I care more than ANYONE else.
I care about the thoughts that keep you awake at night.
I care about your dreams.
I care about your hurting heart.
I care about your insecurities.
I care about every word you say.

_____________________________________________________

I hate that I am drawn to those who out shine me.
I hate being INVISIBLE.

_____________________________________________________

I am way too interested in everyone's love stories.
If my dreams of love all have to go to hell,
I at least want to know love is real for someone.

BTW

Btw, you still amaze me.

Dear Unseen

Are you serious? Does it really have to play out this way?
I didn't think I'd have to lose EVERYONE.
But, maybe, just maybe, this is the clearest sign I've ever seen.
This is shaking me to the core. It's so hard to be at peace with this.

Tired of Believing.

I hate how we were able to fake it just long enough
for reality to break my heart.

P.B.F.

I will now see each person as a Potential.Best.Friend.

Arranged Marriage

What would it be like to have an arranged marriage?
How would something like that affect your life?















_____________________________________

12-4-08

continued...

You're getting married to someone you hardly know. Arranged Marriage.
What if you still have unresolved issues/feelings with the only person you ever had something truly special with by choice(but who dropped you a few years back)? What if that person was not willing to resolve things before you are "scheduled" to be married?

I ALMOST understand the logic behind choosing a partner for your children that you know would be good for them...but to choose the TIME is a different story, when your child might not be ready...and secretly struggling with something like that ^ ^ ^

Damn.

Since You've Been Gone

...And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you...

...you had your chance...

-Kelly Clarkson

I bought her CD when it first came out.
But I never truly understood this one song until now.

What are you waiting for?

"What are you waiting for?"
"I don't know. Something amazing I guess."
-The Incredibles