BTW

Btw, you still amaze me.

Dear Unseen

Are you serious? Does it really have to play out this way?
I didn't think I'd have to lose EVERYONE.
But, maybe, just maybe, this is the clearest sign I've ever seen.
This is shaking me to the core. It's so hard to be at peace with this.

Tired of Believing.

I hate how we were able to fake it just long enough
for reality to break my heart.

P.B.F.

I will now see each person as a Potential.Best.Friend.

Arranged Marriage

What would it be like to have an arranged marriage?
How would something like that affect your life?















_____________________________________

12-4-08

continued...

You're getting married to someone you hardly know. Arranged Marriage.
What if you still have unresolved issues/feelings with the only person you ever had something truly special with by choice(but who dropped you a few years back)? What if that person was not willing to resolve things before you are "scheduled" to be married?

I ALMOST understand the logic behind choosing a partner for your children that you know would be good for them...but to choose the TIME is a different story, when your child might not be ready...and secretly struggling with something like that ^ ^ ^

Damn.

Since You've Been Gone

...And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you...

...you had your chance...

-Kelly Clarkson

I bought her CD when it first came out.
But I never truly understood this one song until now.

What are you waiting for?

"What are you waiting for?"
"I don't know. Something amazing I guess."
-The Incredibles

Beautiful Loneliness

This sure is some kind of beautiful loneliness.

Slayed By Logic.

Cheep.

All I can think is that it wasn't real, because if it was...
it would have lasted. How much of it did we just want to be true?

I guess I got my tragedy.
___

Everything We Had

Past.

Maybe none of us are really who we thought we were.

Falling in love too easily?
I guess it's just one of those things...or maybe not.
Five minutes with a person,
and looking ahead to what the future might hold?
Five minutes...what about 5 years?

Feelings over logic?
I guess it's good we're over that.

Yes, it's true...too serious too quickly.
I suppose it's nice to know you will ALWAYS
be more emotionally involved than the other person.
But when things should slow down,
it seems you actually ARE the one who can do that.

Logic.
Mighty casual, don't you think?
Maybe it's a curse.

12.20.07

__________________________________

Forgive me for my confusion,
but this doesn't make any sense.

I am a huge contradiction.
__________________________________

What good is a love song for someone you did not love?
Maybe all that matters is that they did love you.

__________________________________

So, I will cry out all my emotions...till logic makes sense.

Lonely Soul

Do you know where your heart is
Do you think you can find it
Did you trade it for something, somewhere
Better just to have it
Do you know where your love is
Do you think that you lost it
You felt it so strong but nothings
Turned out how you want it
Well bless my soul
You`re a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold

Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know what your fate is
And are you trying to shake it
You`re doing your best and
You`re best look
You`re praying that you`ll make it
Well bless my soul
You`re a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold

Say All I Need. One Republic.

Hardest Thing.

This might be the hardest thing I've ever tried to understand.

I don't know how I can be hurting this much.

Absolute Truth

I know all the Bible stories. I know everything about Ellen White. I know all of what the Bible says about a loving God. I KNOW, okay?! But do I believe? Can I say that I KNOW God exists? What happened to the definition of faith/belief that didn't have to be proven? I thought faith was belief without proof? We've been learning about Post-Modernism in Bible Class and the idea of NO ABSOLUTE TRUTH. Sometimes that's how I feel. But I do understand that Post-Modernism has a thousand hang-ups...like how can you say that the only absolute truth is that there is no absolute truth? But still, that doesn't help me. So, now I know there IS absolute truth, but what is that truth? It all still seems to lead to more questions. I know a heck of a lot about Christianity. And I'm a Christian right? SDA...all the way, right? So, that's what my baptismal certificate says. That's what my pastor will tell you. That's what my parents will tell you. That's what my friends will tell you. But what is my religion without any faith? What is religion with only knowledge? Answer: Religion is crap.
So, I have some questions. These aren't questions about what a good SDA should be like or how to be saved or who will be in heaven or what day I should worship on or w/e. I want answers to the questions that someone who has never heard about a God would ask. You wouldn't preach at a person with no understanding of a God. So first we look at the definition of God: the one Supreme Being, the creator and ruler of the universe. So, what we have here is the knowledge of WHO God is. But how do you prove that he IS... (that he exists). From my knowledge I know what the Bible says. Exodus 3:14…God says to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. Tell the People of Israel, 'I AM sent me to you.'" God said: I AM. The only "proof" I have is that God says HE IS. I suppose for me it is impossible not to believe in a supreme being…it’s my only hope that SOMEONE knows.
I think one problem is that no one ever taught me how to believe in God. They just taught me how to be a good worshipper of God. How dumb is it to act as the perfect believer without belief. I don't know how to believe.
When I ask a question about God and Christianity I'd rather have an answer of "I don't know" than a spiel on who God is. I KNOW who God is. (example: just last Saturday I asked my dad how I can know that Ellen White was actually inspired by God and not a fraud. He went on to “answer” by reading to me who she was…that REALLY didn’t answer my question at all…I already KNOW who she is…duh)
Can you prove or KNOW there is a God with no belief? Can you know there is a God without being a believer in God? Our speaker today said YES. From there on he lost me. What is the difference between KNOWING and BELIEVING? Between KNOWING and having FAITH?

To know: to perceive or understand as fact or truth

To believe: to have confidence or faith in the truth of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so

FAITH: confidence or belief in something that is not based on proof.

(side-note: the definition of PROOF: evidence sufficient to establish a thing as true)

It seems to me that I could conclude that both FAITH and BELIEF exclude proof(knowledge) of the truth.

So, by definition, “to know" is to understand as truth and “to believe/to have faith" is confidence in truth(without proof). So, it seems that you cannot believe in something that you know, because belief is confidence in a truth you do not understand and you must understand something to know it.
So, I suppose Post-Modernists cannot believe or know anything. Well, I certainly reject that idea. I cannot live without belief that there is truth to know. And I suppose that since no one here on earth seems to know the full truth, then I have no choice but to believe in an all-knowing God. Now my question is, does God believe? If He KNOWS everything what does He need to BELIEVE for (if belief is all about confidence in something you cannot prove." I am certain that God can prove ANYTHING. He just can't explain it all to us now because we wouldn't be able to understand. So therefore it seems our only choice is to believe in SOMETHING, because knowing EVERYTHING is not something we are capable of as humans.

So, now it seems to me that I DO have enough faith to believe an all-knowing God exists. But when it comes to getting to know him my only source is the Bible. And it takes SO MUCH more faith for me to believe in every word of the Bible. Where is my proof that it is true? I seem to have no way of getting in contact with this all-knowing God that I want to trust. If he is my only source of truth how do I ask him about the Bible? So in the end it seems it can be easier for ME to believe in the invisible than believe in something visible. There is hardly proof that God exists and there is no proof that he is truth. Although there IS obvious proof that the Bible exists, there is no proof that the Bible is truth.

But, in conclusion, I would have to say that the Christian/Biblical view-point of this all-knowing God I want to understand seems the best to me. Post-Modernism seems too hopeless. I cannot accept that there is no truth, that we know nothing, and that there is no God that knows all things. I would rather believe in the God of the Bible. I think I could fall in love with Jesus, and that’s a good thing considering Jesus is THE WAY to truth—he is the way to my all-knowing God. John quotes Jesus in John 14:6…Jesus says, "I am the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE! No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him." So, there’s my absolute truth. Jesus is my absolute truth.

Here starts the relationship, for real.

To See Me

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand

EIGHTEEN!!!

Eighteen today. :)

And I'm happy as can be!
We had the best class fireside Friday night. And I love my class.
I have the best friends possible. Love you Nick, Andrea, Alcira, and all!!
I love my wonderful mom! & my brother lol
I have the most amazing boyfriend ever, who makes my dreams come true!
Oh and God loves me. All the time!

oh yes.

I am the luckiest girl in the world. <3

Why She Cried.

Why she cried on the drive home she couldn't quite say.
Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was shivering...maybe from the chilly night...maybe from worry. And shivering uncontrollably is quite a lot like sobbing uncontrollably. Or at least it brought back feelings of when she tried to be so strong...few had ever heard her yell as loud as she had in her own home...or cry till she shook.
Maybe it was because she knew she'd be coming home to a cold empty house after midnight. And she almost wished there was someone to scold her for coming home so late.
Maybe it was because she hasn't been able to find God, or maybe it was that she was hiding. Hiding from God. Hiding from everyone? Not really, she was always with someone.
Maybe she knew she might lose everything by the end of the week. Things always hung by a thread.
Maybe she couldn't understand how he could love her. Nothing has ever felt so right, so something must be wrong.
Maybe because her life was never as perfect as theirs, and she had to figure things out on her own.
Or maybe, she's just tired and tired of being tired.

What she did know was that she didn't want to leave his arms where she felt safe, warm, and protected. That's where she belonged.

Have it all.

You can have anything in life, if you sacrifice everything for it.

-J. M. Barrie

He that can have patience, can have what he will.

-Benjamin Franklin

So for a while I got used to the idea of having nothing. I was so comfortable with the idea that I didn't expect anything. Patience was the key anyways, I had decided. I can't tell you how well this worked for me, when I expected nothing. I ended up with a friend closer than any other and the chance for love with the one I had been waiting for all along.

Everything.

"He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time"

He means EVERYTHING to me
And I don't know why.

Viva La Vida

So it was a pretty amazing trip!

best parts:
Climbing around the water falls, swimming, and such.
Talking with Rachael till 3 am!
Corn Muffins.
The view, wherever we went.
The authentic food they served us at our work site.
Cute little girl I taught to shred paper.
Dancing to Audio Adrenaline "Get Down"...just like last year!
Nice showers at our villa.
Ice cream at the beach.
Getting no sunburn or bug bites whatsoever!
Finding that turtle wrap skirt.

things i learned from:
Annoying brat kid "helping" me shred paper.
Overheating paper-shredders that took 30 mins to cool down.
Living at an airport for over 13 hours.
Washing 1,000 dishes for like 3 hours.
Cleaning bathrooms.
Losing all my poker chips against a retard kid who got lucky with pocket Aces, his first hand.
Jeremy being a running gossip tabloid about my life.
Staying out all night with the guys when you're going to Puerto Rico at 4am.
Scratching/Bruising up my leg climbing on rocks.
No flushing toilet paper.

And if I had the choice, I'd do it all over again!

Stronger Than Yesterday.

Imagine...Your two best friends are the most amazing people on planet earth.

What would be worse?

1) If they completely despised each other

or

2) If they were all over each other, in love

...

You'd have to be one damn selfless person to wholeheartedly go along with the 2nd option. What would you do when you love them both more than life itself and are just about convinced they love you just as much...when they figure out they are "meant to be." Oh, how to measure love? Is love worth more when it's romantic love? If so, where does that leave you? I'd say, seriously utilizing your coping skills.

The green before the rain.

So today we had an "amazing race." One activity involved writing down two prayer requests and then exchanging them. So my two requests were...

1. Please bring rain.
2. Please help my friend's parents to be more understanding.

All I have to say is: The green before the rain.

I hope you dance.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

-Lee Ann Womack

By Thought Alone.

Have you ever realized that you hindered something from happening, by thought alone? You think, I don't want that to happen...and then it doesn't. What if you were wrong? What if it was supposed to happen? Do you understand how guilty you would feel? I do.
___________________________________________

How did I ever fall out of love with you, when I knew all along that we were meant to be? and that you were the absolute best for me?
___________________________________________

Every wrong choice affects me later. Who would have known? I hate to admit it's all my fault.

You're gona be the one that saves me.

I just realized that I seriously want to feel protected and comforted. Those aren't exactly the right words...hmmm let me think. Basically this is why I hate feeling taller than most guys. Yes, I want to be swept off my feet...but how the heck are you supposed to do that when I'm so tall? Maybe it's all in my head...I doubt most people think...GOSH that blonde giant is so huge. But I feel huge. often.

I want to feel protected. I'm tired of being the protector.
I want to be saved. I'm tired of being a savior.
I want to have to look up to you. I'm tired of being looked up to.

"I said maybe, you're gona be the one that saves me. And Afterall, you're my wonderwall."

How Addicted.

You call me up and I'm there.
How addicted am I?
I sacrifice for you and you think I'm just being "motherly."
How addicted am I?
I listen to your complaints.
How addicted am I?
I tell you what you wana hear.
How addicted am I?
I stick around just cuz you're there.
How addicted am I?

It's cuz you're something different.
But you're all the same.

Silly Crap.

Prom. Prom. Prom. I can't wait!! But I'm dreading this process!! It would be so much easier if I didn't have to do that asking.

Gosh I have so many issues.

I'm biting my nails again...which can only mean one thing...THE WORLD IS ENDING!! The end of the world is not what I need right now. I would like to figure things out before then. arggggh.

Wonderful Now.

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

-Everclear

Love Just Is.

Love.

Desperate Love.
Simple Love.
Friendly Love.
Passionate Love.
Eternal Love.
Anxious Love.
Romantic Love.
Forced Love.
Puppy Love.
Needy Love.

I've given. I've taken.

Don't know what to think.

What the heck happened to what I used to be? wow.

R.I.P. Grandma Thomas

My Wonderful Grandma

Rest in Peace

July 13, 1923 - April 18, 2008

R.I.P. Tiffy

Tiffy, to the right, and her siblings, as babies.

Tiffy, sitting in the window, a few weeks ago.

Tiffy died on Monday, April 7, after 3 days of "recovering" from being spayed and having an abortion. She was only 10 months old. I remember the day she was born in my room. She was always the sweetest thing. She would purr and she liked to talk a lot. She would always run up to me and start meowing like she thought I knew exactly what she was saying. And she was beautiful...so, so beautiful. The pictures couldn't even capture it. I loved her so much. I don't understand how she could be gone just like that.

Jason Castro!!!

Daydream.


I'm not who I was.


Cutest Interview. (Just at the Beginning)

Third Wheel.

So, I'm considering the position of The Third Wheel. I've heard it's not as bad as it sounds. Actually I haven't heard that at all. I lied. But in all seriousness, It's a position to carefully consider, really. The Third Wheel. Why go solo if you can stick with the other two wheels? Plus, you know adding a third wheel for safety will be better than a two-wheeler alone that could easily tip or be swayed by the wind. Yes, a third wheel for safety's sake. A third wheel is practically a necessity--certainly a position that must be filled. Of course anyone would rather be The Second Wheel. Unfortunately I fear that position will never be offered to me. I just don't get those kind of opportunities. Who says I'd take the position even if it was offered to me? Second Wheel is sort of a selfish position anyways. Being a humble Third Wheel might work better for me.

Plus, three is my favorite number...

and...and...the first two wheels won't forget me because they need me...

and...of course...it's obvious that...when considering...in certain circumstances...usually...

WHAT AM I THINKING?!

The end has come. Maybe. Actually, most certainly not.

Let me stop.

Out of my skin.

I want to sing beyond my voice...beyond my small squeaky voice!

I want to get out of my head...and into yours!

I want to drive away from here...and find where I really belong!

I want to pause everything...till I figure out what I'm supposed to do!

I want to dance...as if I've known how all along!

I want to jump without fear...as if there was nothing to lose!

I want to fall into your arms...forgetting my reserved personality!

I want to forget about my weakensses...push past everything that stopped me!

I want to know my hope is real...something is worth it all!

I want to be content with whatever the answer is...wonderful or seemingly disastrous!

Mi dos.

You are the quiet I love.

You are the noise I love.

You are the life I love.

You are the distance I love.

You are the closeness I love.

You are the talent I love.

You are the future I love.

You are the present I love.

You are the touch I love.

You are the faith I love.

You are the freedom I love.

You are the moment I love.

You are the reality I love.

You are the dream I love.

You are the thought I love.

You are the similarity I love.

You are the difference I love.

You are the encouragement I love.

You are the answer I love.

You are the question I love.

You are.

...is what I told myself.

In the morning I usually feel that sleep HAS TO BE more important than ANYTHING that could happen in my waking hours...so therefore, I go back to sleep. NOTHING can be more important than getting another hour of sleep! is what I tell myself.

Sometimes I think I'd rather risk getting fat than actually have to run on a treadmill. That makes no sense...because being fit is of utmost importance to me and I want to be in shape more than anything. But I can actually trick myself into thinking being fat/average would be better than having to run. Nothing can be worse than running! is what I tell myself.

I generally think having a good time tonight will be worth any personal bad effects on me tomorrow. By this I don't mean anything sinful...lol...I'm not talking about having sex tonight and being pregnant tomorrow...I'm not talking about drinking tonight and being hung over tomorrow...I'm not talking about breaking the law tonight and getting caught tomorrow. I have a lot of freedom and I choose not to do that stuff...but still, w/e I choose to do that keeps me out late usually has an effect on me Sunday morning (8:00 when I open the gym...I'm a zombie lol). Tonight will be worth it. is what I tell myself.

I don't really like taking medicine. I don't go for all those pills my friends take. I've never gone searching for an Asprin or anything like that. I just don't really need it. Now, when I have a cold my dad tells me to suck on those nasty zinc losenges (sort of like medicine). Now, I'm sure they just might work. But personally, I'd rather be sick than have that disgusting taste in my mouth. is what I tell myself. (So I cough like a smoker all week)

So I had the chance to be in the honors society at school. Hmm that would probably look good for me to be a part of that. But then I read the letter. Oh, I have to write an essay. No thanks. Nothing is worth writitng an essay. is what I told myself.

No one to blame but me I suppose. hah.

True Story.

So, this is me living my life.

Infinite Abyss

So, Garden State is my new favorite movie of all time.

I love it. I love it. I simply love it.

wanted

I think sometimes I'd rather not be there and know that i was missed than be there and have to wonder if im wanted at all.

Meant to live for so much more.

I've either found the life I was meant to live or just lost everything. Actually I'm pretty sure now that it's both. I've given most all of myself for the chance to have this new life. Some of what I've lost I'm glad to see gone. Some of what I've lost I tell myself was never important, but it's been paying its toll on me. You can't give up all I gave up and actually survive in the real world. This year is surreal for me. It's full of dreams almost come true. And I'm the type of person who would give up everything for my dreams.

The sad thing is...in the end I fear it won't be worth it.

Cry me a river

It's hard to express numbness.

I hate having wonderful dreams, because as soon as I dream it I am certain it will never be attained. I can't do the whole close my eyes and wait for my true love to save me thing. My doubt keeps my dreams from coming true. There are many a thing that I despise about myself.

How do you stop yourself from falling in love with the most amazing person you know? How terrible it is for your mind to inform you that you've met Mr. Amazing, but then tell you to keep your heart in check?

Fears erased.

There's a need.

"It's a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them--and they simply don't need you. That's all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they'll be the same way about someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on--this desperate need--and only once in a rare million do the same two people need eachother."